hey ladies



fun times last night. it’s been foreverrrrrr. thanks kara, carrie, alisa, adair, megan, and rachel.

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3+ years later…

it still hurts.

i still miss him just as much as i did the day he left.

that day, a day after two other incredible losses… i still feel it. it truly was the worst goodbye of all.

there have been other really painful losses, sure. but when it comes to your constant companion, your only bit of unconditional love, it’s the worst.

i wish you were here…

january 20, 1997 – september 16, 2011


life list: 2015

remember my life list i finally published back in 2013, exactly 2 years ago? you know, it was a list i’d been compiling for years of things i really wanted to do and i’ve been feeling the need to revisit it. some things are the same and some might have changed. so let’s go! here are 100 things to do before i go…

1. move to nyc – like for real. i’m there all the time, but rent an apt that’s my own. it still feels temporary to me

2. thank kristen b. in person (she knows why)

3. tm (transcendental meditation) 2x a day, everyday. i’ve learned and now i want it to be a habit everyday. i fall off the wagon some

4. see the eiffel tower and go to the top

5. more fun travel and not only work travel

6. own another vintage vw and restore it

7. own a real eames lounge chair

8. visit all 50 states – 11 left to visit: alaska, hawaii, north dakota, south dakota, wisconsin, maine, new hampshire, minnesota, montana, vermont, & rhode island – MONTANA being at the top of the list

9. have sex in every state

10. fold 1000 origami cranes

11. visit the eames house, the farnsworth house, and the glass house

12. learn how to work a digital camera. like, for real, and not just wing it.

13. start a retirement fund

14. renovate a house/apt

15. run a 5k without breaking a sweat

16. rescue a dog from a shelter

17. visit NASA

18. take a vacation and do zero work

19. email = inbox zero

20. do genetic testing (23andme)  i finally did it!

21. research my dad’s family

22. do a split again

23. be credit card debt free

24. wear a swimsuit again and not give a shit what other people think

25. visit the swiss alps

26. see a space shuttle launch (probably too late for that)

27. take another painting class

28. get comfortable in front of the camera

29. own a leica monochrom m camera

30. ride the london eye

31. create again – paint, photography, music, etc.

32. drink a gallon of water everyday, minimum. i drink a lot but probably not that much.

33. play a song on the the guitar – help? seriously, i need help.

34. renovate bathroom in current loft

35. decorate loft & be happy with it

36. visit japan again. it’s been awhile

37. wear only fancy underthings

38. write something for jane pratt

39. own a really nice watch. i have a lot of watches, but not THE ONE.

40. have sex everyday for a year

41. try going gluten free for a month, er, maybe a week

42. give up all sugary bevs for good

43. make out with a stranger (again)

44. design/make something to sell

45. own a photo booth

46. take a long train trip

47. see louis ck live

48. quit picking my cuticles once and for all – it’s anxiety driven

49. see denis leary live

50. a job with benefits

51. learn to hula hoop and be good at it, i.e. keep the hoop up for longer than a few seconds

52. cruise to alaska

53. own a guitar again

54. revisit spain

55. take a pilates class

56. have someone sing ‘sweet caroline’ to me (again), preferably timothy hutton, ala ‘beautiful girls’

57. go to mardi gras

58. visit yellowstone. the last road trip involved a detail away from there.

59. do 100 sit-ups with relative ease

60. take a good photo of the moon

61. learn to weld

62. ride a vespa

63. sell a painting

64. cross the golden gate bridge

65. go roller skating again

66. have a great wardrobe i love

67. drive the entire highway 1

68. 1 million dollars in the bank

69. take a good passport photo

70. take the tram to roosevelt island

71. get back to morning pages for at least a month, ala “the artist’s way”

72. sing a song… on stage

73. receive a love letter

74. pay it forward – pay for someone to learn tm (transcendental meditation)

75. go away on a major holiday

76. get lasik surgery

77. finally have sinus surgery – done!

78. figure out a way to have pain-free feet

79. own a large format photo printer

80. volunteer on a major holiday

81. volunteer for soldiers

82. pursue a crush

83. figure out how to manage my hair

84. have a place for everything and keep everything in its place

85. drive cross country again

86. go on a girl’s trip again

87. own a real bed. i hate the frame i have.

88. be car-free (i.e. live in a city with great public transportation)

89. walk across the brooklyn bridge

90. sit next to andy cohen on a flight and pet his dog

91. become a million miler (getting close)

92. learn not to cringe when i look in the mirror

93. have a birthday party, as an adult

94. build a modern house

95. skate on a frozen pond

96. see catherine wheel live (a girl can dream)

97. eat pasta in italy again

98. donate hair to locks of love or the like

99. say i love you more (and mean it)

100. live to see 1. – 99. happen

it’s 2015, people


01.05.15 (although written on 12.31.14)

how did that happen?! i feel like with each passing year, the 12 months go by a little faster feeling like some kind of warp speed.

2014 was icky. it rivaled 2011, which was one of the most heartbreaking years i could imagine.

as terrified as i am to be in a new year, this particular year and the age it brings, i’m a little relieved to let 2014 rest in the past.

most of 2014 i’ve left off the blog – it’s just not something i want to share – but i’ll say this… as hard as it was, i’ve learned a lot and certainly grown from it.

it’s made me appreciate the small things. the happy moments. the little reminders that not everything is bad… and for that, i’m grateful. we only go around this life once so it’s time to make the most of it. as selfishly as it sounds, i’m going to focus on me and being happy.

most importantly, i plan to have a hell of a lot more fun. so bring it, 2015. but bring it gently, okay?

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just one of the guys

jenny lewis \\\ ‘just one of the guys’

been digging this song and now the video makes me laugh…


alhambra palace in granada, spain

alhambra palace in granada, spain

i will always wonder who you would have become…

“and when at last you find someone…”

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter — they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
- Sylvia Plath

so true… and oh so hard.