it still hurts.
i still miss him just as much as i did the day he left.
that day, a day after two other incredible losses… i still feel it. it truly was the worst goodbye of all.
there have been other really painful losses, sure. but when it comes to your constant companion, your only bit of unconditional love, it’s the worst.
i wish you were here…
january 20, 1997 – september 16, 2011
remember my life list i finally published back in 2013, exactly 2 years ago? you know, it was a list i’d been compiling for years of things i really wanted to do and i’ve been feeling the need to revisit it. some things are the same and some might have changed. so let’s go! here are 100 things to do before i go…
1. move to nyc – dream since 4th/5th grade
2. thank kristen bell in person (she knows why)
3. tm (transcendental meditation) 2x a day, everyday. i’ve learned and now i want it to be a habit everyday.
4. see the eiffel tower and go to the top
5. be spontaneous and take a trip without planning it
6. own another vintage vw and restore it
7. own a real eames lounge chair
8. visit all 50 states – 11 left to visit: alaska, hawaii, north dakota, south dakota, wisconsin, maine, new hampshire, minnesota, montana, vermont, & rhode island
9. have sex in every state
10. fold 1000 origami cranes
11. visit the eames house, the farnsworth house, and the glass house
12. learn how to work a digital camera. like, for real.
13. start a retirement fund
14. renovate a house/apt
15. run a 5k without breaking a sweat
16. rescue a dog from a shelter
17. visit NASA
18. take a vacation and do zero work
19. email = inbox zero
20. do genetic testing (23andme)
21. research my dad’s family
22. do a split again
23. be credit card debt free
24. wear a swimsuit again and not give a shit what other people think
25. visit the swiss alps
26. see a space shuttle launch (probably too late for that)
27. take another painting class
28. get comfortable in front of the camera
29. a job where i have extra money every month to save
30. ride the london eye
31. create again – paint, photography, etc.
32. drink a gallon of water everyday
33. meet howard & beth stern
34. renovate bathroom in current loft
35. decorate loft & be happy with it
36. visit japan again
37. wear only fancy underthings
38. write something for jane pratt
39. find a mentor
40. have sex everyday for a year
41. try going gluten free for a month, er, maybe a week
42. give up all sugary bevs for good
43. make out with a stranger (again)
44. design/make something to sell
45. own a photo booth
46. take a long train trip
47. see louis ck live
48. quit picking my cuticles once and for all
49. see denis leary live
50. a job with benefits
51. learn to hula hoop and be good at it, i.e. keep the hoop up for longer than a few seconds
52. cruise to alaska
53. write something important
54. revisit spain
55. take a pilates class
56. have someone sing ‘sweet caroline’ to me (again), preferably timothy hutton, ala ‘beautiful girls’
57. go to mardi gras
58. play a song on a guitar
59. do 100 sit-ups with relative ease
60. take a good photo of the moon
61. learn to weld
62. ride a vespa
63. sell a painting
64. cross the golden gate bridge
65. go roller skating again
66. have a great wardrobe i love
67. drive the entire highway 1
68. make 1 million dollars
69. take a good passport photo
70. take the tram to roosevelt island
71. get back to morning pages for at least a month, ala “the artist’s way”
72. pet anderson cooper’s dog
73. receive a love letter
74. pay it forward – pay for someone to learn tm (transcendental meditation)
75. create an app
76. get lasik surgery
77. finally have sinus surgery
78. figure out a way to have pain-free feet
79. own a large format photo printer
80. volunteer on a major holiday
81. write a soldier
82. pursue a crush
83. figure out how to manage my hair
84. have a place for everything and keep everything in its place
85. drive cross country again
86. go on a girl’s trip again
87. own a real bed
88. be car-free (i.e. live in a city with great public transportation)
89. walk across the brooklyn bridge
90. sit next to andy cohen on a flight
91. become a million miler
92. learn not to cringe when i look in the mirror
93. have a birthday party, as an adult
94. build a modern house
95. skate on a frozen pond
96. see catherine wheel live (a girl can dream)
97. eat pasta in italy again
98. donate hair to locks of love or the like
99. say i love you more (and mean it)
100. live to see 1. – 99. happen
01.05.15 (although written on 12.31.14)
how did that happen?! i feel like with each passing year, the 12 months go by a little faster feeling like some kind of warp speed.
2014 was icky. it rivaled 2011, which was one of the most heartbreaking years i could imagine.
as terrified as i am to be in a new year, this particular year and the age it brings, i’m a little relieved to let 2014 rest in the past.
most of 2014 i’ve left off the blog – it’s just not something i want to share – but i’ll say this… as hard as it was, i’ve learned a lot and certainly grown from it.
it’s made me appreciate the small things. the happy moments. the little reminders that not everything is bad… and for that, i’m grateful. we only go around this life once so it’s time to make the most of it. as selfishly as it sounds, i’m going to focus on me and being happy.
most importantly, i plan to have a hell of a lot more fun. so bring it, 2015. but bring it gently, okay?
jenny lewis \\\ ‘just one of the guys’
been digging this song and now the video makes me laugh…
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter — they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
- Sylvia Plath
so true… and oh so hard.
10 hours of sleep
99 bottles of wine.
do you believe in people having a sixth sense?
i don’t think i ever really thought about it till i was much older.
i’ve talked about whatever it is just a tiny bit here, but it’s so much more than that.
was talking to someone about it yesterday and it got me thinking about how weird and unsettling it can be. i never understood it before, i guess i still don’t? i just know i get the feels sometimes.
let me explain.
for as long as i can remember, i instinctively get this intense, crazy feeling, a physical feeling, throughout my whole body unlike anything else when i meet someone new and know they’ll be important in my life.
the kind of important where i’ll know them for life and they’re there for a bigger reason that i don’t necessarily know at the time. the journey with that person is not always easy, but it’s always taught me an incredible amount about myself and life in general. i’m not talking about the romantic sense of knowing them, either. just life-long, important people in my life.
the crazy thing is, is that i’ve yet to be wrong.
even though it’s happened several times before, it still surprises me.
every. damn. time.
the feeling is so intense that it almost knocks the breath out of me.
it’s even weirder when someone else, a 3rd party, affirms it.
all this to say… it happened again. while i was in europe.
it threw me for a loop as it always does. and i sit here and wonder, what does it all mean and what will be…?
the answer is i just don’t know. i have to let whatever course happen naturally, which sometimes is hard. i mean, realllll hard.
i don’t have any expectations of friendship or anything from this person. like i said, it’s not a romantical kind of thing.
i’m still feeling the feels lingering because it’s hard to shake the feeling i get from the initial contact. which means there’s just weirdness. (how many times can i put ‘feel’ in one sentence?).
oh, another thing that starts happening are these weird synchronistic things. like people with the same name start messaging me and friending me. just an example.
[also happens right before someone close to me dies. fun, right? now, who wants to hang out?]