the aftermath of steubenville

March 17

another day, another rape case. this time, two teenage boys raping a 16-year old girl.

today, they were found guilty.

they were tried as juveniles so even with the guilty verdict, they’ll be free in a few short years and will move on with their lives, almost like nothing ever happened.

the girl, well, the girl will be living with it for the rest of her life, i’m sure.

some of the media have even painted the picture of these poor, teenage boys – so much promise, and now their lives are ruined. their promising future’s in football are now over. all because of this trial.

wait. are we supposed to feel sorry for them?

i don’t think they were feeling sorry for the victim when they were raping her while she was drunk.

they did consciously make the choice to do what they did, and for that, there are consequences. they made the choice to change the course of their lives.

but she didn’t.

sadly it’s not just the ill-informed reporters that sport ignorance on the subject. it’s everywhere.

from the attackers, be it teenagers or the elderly and everyone in between, assaulters, harassers, and men and women in general, you name it. everyone needs to be educated on what is, and what isn’t okay. what they did wasn’t okay.

teach your sons and the men in your lives to be kind and respectful, and teach them what boundaries are. teach them that their decisions can affect other people. teach your daughters the same.

we could all use a lesson or two in boundaries, no?

and most definitely, give them a voice to speak up. no one should be disrespected and no one should be taken advantage of, drunk or not.

remember, these are your wives, sisters, mothers, and even your 16-year old daughters… but more importantly, we’re all human beings.

Posted by Caroline
Tags: /
Comments0

girls: adam’s relapse

March 14

[note: i wrote this post on sunday/monday, the night it aired.]

it’s the middle of the night and i’m still reeling from the most recent episode of girls.

did you see it? it’s episode 19: ‘on all fours’.

lena dunham has this innate ability to make me all kinds of uncomfortable in a single, 30-minute episode. that’s why i like her and the show. it’s not all uncomfortable all the time though. it delves into so much territory that something is bound to hit a nerve, happy or sad, with somebody.

i might not be in my 20s anymore but i relate to bits and pieces of all the characters at various times, mostly because it’s so well-written. lena masters the morally ambiguous character like so many try, but often just come up short.

i’m sure this episode will get a lot of attention. i mean, if it affected me like it did, i’m sure there are plenty of others that it struck as well.

the episode followed adam and revealed his addict past as he met a new girl.

they proceeded to have sex twice, but under vastly different circumstances. i’m sure some will argue that the second time was rape, but honestly, wasn’t it just bad sex? i saw it as a human being making a not great choice with someone who wasn’t being particularly clear. but that’s not really my point here…

whatever label you want to put on it, it was incredibly sad and painful to watch. seeing adam as he consciously took that step to have a drink and relapse was heartbreaking. if you’re an addict (of anything), know an addict, or have loved an addict, you know there’s nothing you can do to help or “save” them/us. no matter how bad you want to. it will always be the addict’s battle to fight.

the sucker in me that makes me want to help, save, or kiss and make it better in men (and people), like adam, makes it hard not to want to wrap him in my arms and fix it. much as i’ve wished someone could do for me at times, knowing full well i have to do it on my own.

As Anaïs Nin said, ”You cannot save people. You can only love them.”

Posted by Caroline
Tags: ////
Comments0

hate vomit

March 8

i’m around the internet in plenty of places, personally and professionally. i read blogs, websites, and the like, on various topics – art, design, politics, feminism, pop culture, music, you name it. the topics may vary but one thing remains the same – the hate vomit spewed throughout the comment sections and sent as emails to writers.

hate vomit is what i call comments such as “you suck!”, “this sucks.”, “you’re pathetic!”, “get a new job!”, “i hate you!,” you get the drift. although these are mild compared to what i actually see and have received.

i’ve always hated it but i hate it worse now that i’ve been the recipient of it.

gradually, i’ve put myself out there more and more (damn, it’s hard…), and that’s when it stings the worst.

the more personal something is, the more gut wrenching it feels.

it’s not easy being vulnerable. try it sometime. then imagine someone trying to shame you for it.

i admit, i’m overly sensitive sometimes and i also get that putting something out there gives people a platform to judge. i don’t love it but I can take it.

i’m all for free speech and opinions and a dialogue with differing opinions, but faceless trashing is insensitive and cowardly. bring on the constructive criticism. anything that’s thought provoking and gives me insight into seeing something in a new way, i’m all for it.

i bet if you were standing in front of someone you wouldn’t say it straight to their face, would you? if so, i applaud you for the balls it took. but i guarantee 99% of what flows through the comment sections wouldn’t fly out of that individual’s mouth in real life. just because you’re behind a computer doesn’t make it okay.

now there are plenty of lovely commenters out there but they tend to get lost amongst the negative. if you’re one of them, keep it up. i’m sure it means a lot to people putting their blood, sweat, and many tears into what they’re doing. i know it does me.

words of advice: think before you speak and realize it’s a person just like you that laid it all out there.

Posted by Caroline
Tags:
Comments3

that day my life changed forever… part 2

March 6

it’s true… life was never really the same after that.

my dad remained in the hospital for awhile while he recovered. i remember going to visit him. i walked in the room and the daylight was coming in through the windows and seeping through the flower arrangements and plants. i didn’t know where to look because i was scared of what i’d see. i focused on a plant that was in a ceramic duck base and thinking just how ugly it was.

i finally got a glimpse of my dad, or what was left of him. i had to concentrate really hard not to cry. i kept biting the inside of my cheek in hopes that would distract me from what i saw, the person that was no longer the father that i knew.

he had trouble forming words and couldn’t get out anything that he wanted to say. he got frustrated, understandably so.

all i could do was think about leaving.

he was finally released and sent home with a strict low-sodium diet and instructions not to continue his 2-1/2 pack a day habit. he was also put into speech, occupational, and physical therapies. he worked at them for awhile and then gave them up.

i’m sure the mounting frustrations of not being the person that you were and knowing you’d never be there again really got to him. they would me. he had to face that his brain and body were permanently damaged. his speech, to this day, is affected and he has trouble getting the words out. he gets angry easily because his mouth won’t express what his brain wants to. nor will his body. he’s mostly paralyzed in his right arm, his writing arm, making him have to re-learn how to write with his left.

the next few years were spent in and out of therapies and a new normal became the norm. my mom spent whatever time she had outside of work helping him as he slowly found some semblance of a life. it took a lot out of both of them. this wasn’t the life or marriage they signed up for.

as for me, i turned more inward. i was always extremely shy and i think it got worse, at least till high school.

i think we all struggled in our own way. i wavered between anger that he wasn’t the father i needed or thought i deserved at such a young age, while also feeling incredibly sorry for him. sorry that he didn’t ask for it. he didn’t sign up for this type of life but he got it. we all did.

Posted by Caroline
Tags: /
Comments0

that day my life changed forever… part 1

March 5

i remember moments of it so vividly, almost like it was yesterday.

it was winter of 1985 and i was 9 years old and in the 3rd grade.

sometime, after i’d gone to bed, i remember waking up, almost in a cold sweat. i was wide awake and shot straight up in bed. i immediately had this gut feeling that something was wrong.

i walked trepidatiously to my bedroom door and quietly opened it revealing just a crack of space. in the darkness of the hallway, i could see light pouring out from underneath my parent’s bedroom door.

i instantly felt sick to my stomach, the same feeling i get to this day when i instinctively know something bad has happened.

i made my way to their door and gently knocked but no one answered.

i finally had the guts to open the door and didn’t see anyone. i walked in the room and went to the bathroom that was also lit up.

i saw my mom standing over my dad who was sitting down.

she tried to explain to me something about him not feeling right but i didn’t really grasp it. at some point, they made their way to the door, out to the car, and to the hospital.

i was left home with my sister who had just barely turned 12.

we didn’t really know what to do with ourselves but i remember not wanting or feeling like sleeping. we stayed up watching a duran duran video. i seem to recall it was their documentary, sing blue silver, on vhs. also arena.

those are my only memories from that night… sitting super close to the console tv absorbing all that duran duran had to offer.

at some point the next day, my mom came home and i watched her as she went through every room in the house getting rid of my dad’s ashtrays. they were these weird metal contraptions that had a funnel looking thing on top. they were everywhere, even on the back of the toilet. each one went into a huge garbage bag.

my father had had a massive stroke.

i knew then that my life, ours, would never be the same again. and sadly, it wasn’t.

to be continued…

Posted by Caroline
Tags: /
Comments2

i dream of 1994

March 4

i woke up the other day reminded of a particular time in late summer, 1994.

i was 19 and about to attend north carolina state university, but not yet – it was still summer. i was going out quite a bit, nothing new for me during those years. i went bar hopping with a good friend that i worked with. she was a few years older and i, like always, had a fake i.d.

it was my female friend and two guys (who were even older) and we were in it for the long haul. bar after bar, drink after drink. so much fun and debauchery and many discussions were had.

cut to a week later when classes began…

i’m sitting in my english 100 class and in walks a familiar face.

the guy from that night.

he walks to the front of the class, puts his stuff on the the desk, looks up and pans the room. Our eyes lock… i’m sure he was having the same flashback of everything that went down that night that i was having. he gave me a sheepish smile as he looked down.

after class, as everyone left the room, he asked me to hang back. we both kept looking down, not sure what to expect on the other’s face.

he finally got up the nerve to talk, or what seemed like talking. mostly it was just mumbling. he hugged me and said it was good to see me. we sat down and talked for awhile, then walked across campus together.

neither one of us knew how the class would pan out. i knew i wouldn’t get special favors or attention – i would never expect that. i also had this feeling that i didn’t want to let him down. i knew i was going to have to work my ass off and not just coast along like i’d done in the past. because he’d met me outside of class and since we’d talked and talked for hours, i knew he knew me. to a degree, anyway. he wasn’t going to accept mediocre or excuses or bullshit.

he was one of the smartest guys i’ve ever met, inside and outside the classroom. he had this way of making me want to be smarter. of making me want to push myself in a way i’d never pushed myself to date, and probably even since.

i hung on his every word during class, wanting to absorb every bit of knowledge he dropped on us. it’s hard to find people that love what they do enough to pass along that same feeling while they’re teaching it, and he was one of them. he made me care. his enthusiasm got me through that class and my first semester at ncsu.

it was such a hard time for me. i was working multiple jobs and going to school full-time. i was also going out and drinking about every night, semi-seeing a guy that had been my good friend and also hanging out with someone else, another completely unavailable and inappropriate man that i was fascinated with. my sister was moving to japan and that made me incredibly sad. my grandmother had been very sick and ended up having her leg amputated. and my beloved childhood dog grew sicker by the day, needing more and more attention. we had to put him to sleep during finals and it was brutal.

i barely hung on… i ended up dropping every class the week of finals, but his… i felt like i couldn’t let him down and most importantly, i couldn’t let myself down. he believed in me and that’s all that carried me through.

even though it was the hardest class i’ve ever taken to date, i’m grateful for it. i’m grateful for him. if only all teachers could be like that, willing to bend over backwards to inspire. to find a way to connect to students. showing they care and reaching out when they know you need them. i know their job is to teach a subject, but the other stuff is what lasts a student a lifetime…

Posted by Caroline
Tags:
Comments0

alt summit 2013 recap, glitter and all

January 31

so i just returned from altitude design summit, or as it’s lovingly known as, alt summit in salt lake city. well, it’s been a couple of days actually. had to get over my hellacious travel day (travel bonus: sat by edward burns whom I love. when i worked at the rialto a million years ago, we showed all his films) and catch up on work and emails and life.

plus, i had to process it all.

and unpack my swag.


exhaustion & delirium setting in at the clue themed party

let me sum up alt summit for you: it’s a huge design and lifestyle blogger conference held every year that’s attended by like 7000 females and about 7 dudes. they cram pack 3+ days with panels, parties, round tables, speakers and the like. its full of inspiration, answers, guidance, how-to’s, and late-night booze drinking in the bar, all rolled into one gigantic glittery package.

i met some amazingly cool people – like friends-for-life kinda people. and i saw some people i already knew – yeah! there were so many people i didn’t get the chance to meet in person, but hopefully one day. i met stefan sagmeister, one of the keynote speakers, who’s making me kick myself for not getting a photo of him kissing me. he kissed a lot of the ladies. play on, design playa.


look, it’s peeps i know in real life!

even more amazing are the relaxed times you have in the hallways of the hotel or the hotel’s overpriced restaurant, or best of all, the bar/lounge. good times were had by all, or at least me. and the guy who peed in the chair next to me.

it also makes you rethink life- what you’re doing and where you’re going. are you making the right decisions? where is your online life going? better yet, where is your real life going? etc.

it left me wanting to do something drastic. like needing to. who knows what that is, but we’ll see. any suggestions?

i sat in on the go mighty panel where we learned more about life lists. as you might remember, i posted my incomplete one recently. i still need to add the rest and even some new ones i came up with in the class. who knew that class would affect myself and the others like it did. we, or at least i, thought it was going to be some fluffy class where we talked goals. not so. most of us left in a trail of tears.

some random pics…


bing letters in the bing lounge


light wall in the bhg lounge

and on the last day, the fog lifted and we got this pretty view…

oh salt lake city, you so pretty…

thanks alt summit for the fun times!

Posted by Caroline
Tags: //////////
Comments0

eva black iphone cases

January 31

digging these eva black iphone cases from society6.

image via

Posted by Caroline
Tags: ////
Comments0

january 20th

January 20

january 20th…

it used to be one of my favorite days.

but not anymore.

it was my dog’s birthday and today just reminds me that he’s gone.

it’s been over a year and i still miss him every single day and it doesn’t seem to get any easier.

i so wish he was here, hogging the bed or nudging my hand for pets…

when you have something/someone in your life for almost 15 years, it’s never the same when they’re gone.

i miss you bew…

Posted by Caroline
Tags: ////
Comments0

life list

January 2

ok, so i drank the kool-aid.

i’ve been working on my life list (or bucket list as the older generation might call it) for quite sometime…like 5-6 years. i’ve seen them all up and down the internets but i think the original one is here.

and i’ve finally decided to share it, to air my hopes and dreams with the public in hopes of making them happen or maybe just to help hold myself accountable? who knows, but let’s give this thing a try, shall we?

deep breath cause it’s about to get real, people… ps. these are in no particular order.

1. go to italy went to milan october 2012

2. live in a loft

3. live in another country, like germany. hello, berlin.

4. have my own art studio

5. see the northern lights went to rovaniemi, finland december 2012 & saw them briefly

6. wear a swimsuit again and not give a shit what other people think

7. have/adopt/foster a child (i’ve been on the fence a long time about this one but i’m putting it out there in case i decide to try and make it happen)

8. design something to sell

9. figure out how to work my digital camera in manual settings without having to think about it too much

10. rescue a dog from a shelter

11. own my own residence

12. be debt free

13. try going gluten free

14. sing in a band or play an instrument

15. live near the ocean again or at least some form of water

16. visit the swiss alps

17. run a 5k without breaking a sweat

18. renovate a house/residence

19. take a vacation with no work and no real agenda

20. ride the london eye

21. visit the top of the eiffel tower

22. see a space shuttle launch (um, might be too late for that now)

23. visit NASA

24. go on a cruise

25. raise money for a dog shelter, like real money

26. learn to meditate, preferably TM (i’ve wanted to do this for like 10 years)

27. take another painting class just because

28. have an art show

29. grow an (edible) vegetable garden

30. own another vintage VW and restore it

31. visit sweden went to sweden in september 2012

32. sit on the beach and watch an entire pacific sunset again

33. have sex every day for a year

34. own a photo booth

35. do pilates regularly

36. read at least 1 book a month for a year (been slack on the reading lately)

37. get my email inbox to zero and keep it that way

38. become a photoshop master – master all the shortcuts

39. find a pair of comfortable heels and wear them often

40. wear red lipstick everyday for a month even if i don’t see anyone

41. partner up with an awesome man (know anyone?)

42. get comfortable in front of the camera

43. complete a 365 project

44. have 1 job that i can live comfortably on

45. perfect the smokey eye

46. own a hammock and use it

47. research and learn more about my dad’s family

48. take a train across europe & spend time in various cities

49. pet a reindeer see #5, in finland

50. have a completely lazy weekend of nothing but music, tv, and food – in bed

51. do at least 1 puzzle a month

52. make out with a stranger (again)

53. have drinks with howard stern

54. go to a tropical island and relax

55. perfect long exposure photography

56. volunteer on thanksgiving/christmas

57. find a mentor (for writing) – know anyone or have suggestions?

58. visit iceland

59. visit the farnsworth house

60. dance like no ones watching, in public

61. wear only fancy underthings

62. have a wardrobe that i love wearing, that makes me feel good – get rid of the excess

63. do a split again

64. write something for jane pratt

65. have sex in every state

66. figure out a makeup repertoire that’s easy and looks good

67. learn to properly blowout my own hair

68. learn to hula hoop

69. fold 1000 origami cranes

70. take a self-portrait every day for a year (ps. i’d rather die – see #42)

71. leave a $100 bill as a tip – baller

72. own a real adult fancy mattress bought!

73. own a vintage xmas tree

74. visit ecuador & pose with feet on either side of the equator

75. hunt down a long lost friend or relative and reunite

76. go paragliding

77. go away for a holiday and not feel the familial pressures

78. visit all 50 states – 13 left to visit: alaska, hawaii, north dakota, south dakota, wisconsin, maine, new hampshire, minnesota, montana, michigan, vermont, ohio, & rhode island

79. ride a zip line

80. complete a tracy anderson 90 minute dance video without dying or missing steps

81. take a spontaneous trip that involves a plane

82. take a train ride across canada

83. learn italian

84. learn to dive in the pool – i was always terrified as a kid

85. have a swing indoors (no, not a sex swing, perv)

86. learn electrical – like how to install a light fixture or how to re-wire a lamp

87. spend a full day at the spa

88. learn to upholster furniture

89. take a long train ride in one of those bedroom/bathroom cabins

90. have a completely organized closet, like with a system in place that’s easy to keep up with

91. write completely openly on this blog – the good, the bad, & the ugly

92. live in california again – it will always feel like home – or maybe washington state

93. find a place to move to and have it feel like home – it’s been awhile

94. hang out with anderson cooper and meet his dog. he has a welsh springer spaniel that was just like mine.

95. have a tech-free weekend – no internet, phone, email

96. sing karaoke and not feel self-conscious

97. buy real artwork – paintings, photos, etc., not just prints or reproductions

98. get rid of clutter in my life and learn to keep it away. live minimally.

what’s on your life list?

Posted by Caroline
Tags: //
Comments0