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3+ years later…

it still hurts.

i still miss him just as much as i did the day he left.

that day, a day after two other incredible losses… i still feel it. it truly was the worst goodbye of all.

there have been other really painful losses, sure. but when it comes to your constant companion, your only bit of unconditional love, it’s the worst.

i wish you were here…

january 20, 1997 – september 16, 2011

Bew-in-Car

life list: 2015

remember my life list i finally published back in 2013, exactly 2 years ago? you know, it was a list i’d been compiling for years of things i really wanted to do and i’ve been feeling the need to revisit it. some things are the same and some might have changed. so let’s go! here are 100 things to do before i go…

1. move to nyc – dream since 4th/5th grade

2. thank kristen bell in person (she knows why)

3. tm (transcendental meditation) 2x a day, everyday. i’ve learned and now i want it to be a habit everyday.

4. see the eiffel tower and go to the top

5. be spontaneous and take a trip without planning it

6. own another vintage vw and restore it

7. own a real eames lounge chair

8. visit all 50 states – 11 left to visit: alaska, hawaii, north dakota, south dakota, wisconsin, maine, new hampshire, minnesota, montana, vermont, & rhode island

9. have sex in every state

10. fold 1000 origami cranes

11. visit the eames house, the farnsworth house, and the glass house

12. learn how to work a digital camera. like, for real.

13. start a retirement fund

14. renovate a house/apt

15. run a 5k without breaking a sweat

16. rescue a dog from a shelter

17. visit NASA

18. take a vacation and do zero work

19. email = inbox zero

20. do genetic testing (23andme)

21. research my dad’s family

22. do a split again

23. be credit card debt free

24. wear a swimsuit again and not give a shit what other people think

25. visit the swiss alps

26. see a space shuttle launch (probably too late for that)

27. take another painting class

28. get comfortable in front of the camera

29. a job where i have extra money every month to save

30. ride the london eye

31. create again – paint, photography, etc.

32. drink a gallon of water everyday

33. meet howard & beth stern

34. renovate bathroom in current loft

35. decorate loft & be happy with it

36. visit japan again

37. wear only fancy underthings

38. write something for jane pratt

39. find a mentor

40. have sex everyday for a year

41. try going gluten free for a month, er, maybe a week

42. give up all sugary bevs for good

43. make out with a stranger (again)

44. design/make something to sell

45. own a photo booth

46. take a long train trip

47. see louis ck live

48. quit picking my cuticles once and for all

49. see denis leary live

50. a job with benefits

51. learn to hula hoop and be good at it, i.e. keep the hoop up for longer than a few seconds

52. cruise to alaska

53. write something important

54. revisit spain

55. take a pilates class

56. have someone sing ‘sweet caroline’ to me (again), preferably timothy hutton, ala ‘beautiful girls’

57. go to mardi gras

58. play a song on a guitar

59. do 100 sit-ups with relative ease

60. take a good photo of the moon

61. learn to weld

62. ride a vespa

63. sell a painting

64. cross the golden gate bridge

65. go roller skating again

66. have a great wardrobe i love

67. drive the entire highway 1

68. make 1 million dollars

69. take a good passport photo

70. take the tram to roosevelt island

71. get back to morning pages for at least a month, ala “the artist’s way”

72. pet anderson cooper’s dog

73. receive a love letter

74. pay it forward – pay for someone to learn tm (transcendental meditation)

75. create an app

76. get lasik surgery

77. finally have sinus surgery

78. figure out a way to have pain-free feet

79. own a large format photo printer

80. volunteer on a major holiday

81. write a soldier

82. pursue a crush

83. figure out how to manage my hair

84. have a place for everything and keep everything in its place

85. drive cross country again

86. go on a girl’s trip again

87. own a real bed

88. be car-free (i.e. live in a city with great public transportation)

89. walk across the brooklyn bridge

90. sit next to andy cohen on a flight

91. become a million miler

92. learn not to cringe when i look in the mirror

93. have a birthday party, as an adult

94. build a modern house

95. skate on a frozen pond

96. see catherine wheel live (a girl can dream)

97. eat pasta in italy again

98. donate hair to locks of love or the like

99. say i love you more (and mean it)

100. live to see 1. – 99. happen

it’s 2015, people

e75-star-light

01.05.15 (although written on 12.31.14)

how did that happen?! i feel like with each passing year, the 12 months go by a little faster feeling like some kind of warp speed.

2014 was icky. it rivaled 2011, which was one of the most heartbreaking years i could imagine.

as terrified as i am to be in a new year, this particular year and the age it brings, i’m a little relieved to let 2014 rest in the past.

most of 2014 i’ve left off the blog – it’s just not something i want to share – but i’ll say this… as hard as it was, i’ve learned a lot and certainly grown from it.

it’s made me appreciate the small things. the happy moments. the little reminders that not everything is bad… and for that, i’m grateful. we only go around this life once so it’s time to make the most of it. as selfishly as it sounds, i’m going to focus on me and being happy.

most importantly, i plan to have a hell of a lot more fun. so bring it, 2015. but bring it gently, okay?

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just one of the guys

jenny lewis \\\ ‘just one of the guys’

been digging this song and now the video makes me laugh…

wonder

alhambra palace in granada, spain

alhambra palace in granada, spain

i will always wonder who you would have become…

“and when at last you find someone…”

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter — they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
- Sylvia Plath

so true… and oh so hard.

spain, by numbers

1 country
3 hotels
4 hangovers
5 cities
6 flights
6 nights
7 days
8 people
10 hours of sleep
17+ shuttles
and
99 bottles of wine.

sixth sense? i don’t know…

cosentino-mediterranean

the mediterranean in mojacar, spain

do you believe in people having a sixth sense?

i don’t think i ever really thought about it till i was much older.

i’ve talked about whatever it is just a tiny bit here, but it’s so much more than that.

was talking to someone about it yesterday and it got me thinking about how weird and unsettling it can be. i never understood it before, i guess i still don’t? i just know i get the feels sometimes.

let me explain.

for as long as i can remember, i instinctively get this intense, crazy feeling, a physical feeling, throughout my whole body unlike anything else when i meet someone new and know they’ll be important in my life.

the kind of important where i’ll know them for life and they’re there for a bigger reason that i don’t necessarily know at the time. the journey with that person is not always easy, but it’s always taught me an incredible amount about myself and life in general. i’m not talking about the romantic sense of knowing them, either. just life-long, important people in my life.

the crazy thing is, is that i’ve yet to be wrong.

even though it’s happened several times before, it still surprises me.

every. damn. time.

the feeling is so intense that it almost knocks the breath out of me.

it’s even weirder when someone else, a 3rd party, affirms it.

all this to say… it happened again. while i was in europe.

it threw me for a loop as it always does. and i sit here and wonder, what does it all mean and what will be…?

the answer is i just don’t know. i have to let whatever course happen naturally, which sometimes is hard. i mean, realllll hard.

i don’t have any expectations of friendship or anything from this person. like i said, it’s not a romantical kind of thing.

i’m still feeling the feels lingering because it’s hard to shake the feeling i get from the initial contact. which means there’s just weirdness. (how many times can i put ‘feel’ in one sentence?).

sigh…

oh, another thing that starts happening are these weird synchronistic things. like people with the same name start messaging me and friending me. just an example.

[also happens right before someone close to me dies. fun, right? now, who wants to hang out?]