fun times last night. it’s been foreverrrrrr. thanks kara, carrie, alisa, adair, megan, and rachel.
it still hurts.
i still miss him just as much as i did the day he left.
that day, a day after two other incredible losses… i still feel it. it truly was the worst goodbye of all.
there have been other really painful losses, sure. but when it comes to your constant companion, your only bit of unconditional love, it’s the worst.
i wish you were here…
january 20, 1997 – september 16, 2011
remember my life list i finally published back in 2013, exactly 2 years ago? you know, it was a list i’d been compiling for years of things i really wanted to do and i’ve been feeling the need to revisit it. some things are the same and some might have changed. so let’s go! here are 100 things to do before i go…
1. move to nyc – like for real. i’m there all the time, but rent an apt. dream since 4th/5th grade
2. thank kristen bell in person (she knows why)
3. tm (transcendental meditation) 2x a day, everyday. i’ve learned and now i want it to be a habit everyday.
4. see the eiffel tower and go to the top
5. be spontaneous and take a trip without planning it
6. own another vintage vw and restore it
7. own a real eames lounge chair
8. visit all 50 states – 11 left to visit: alaska, hawaii, north dakota, south dakota, wisconsin, maine, new hampshire, minnesota, montana, vermont, & rhode island – MONTANA being at the top of the list
9. have sex in every state
10. fold 1000 origami cranes
11. visit the eames house, the farnsworth house, and the glass house
12. learn how to work a digital camera. like, for real, and not just wing it.
13. start a retirement fund
14. renovate a house/apt
15. run a 5k without breaking a sweat
16. rescue a dog from a shelter
17. visit NASA
18. take a vacation and do zero work
19. email = inbox zero
do genetic testing (23andme) i finally did it!
21. research my dad’s family
22. do a split again
23. be credit card debt free
24. wear a swimsuit again and not give a shit what other people think
25. visit the swiss alps
26. see a space shuttle launch (probably too late for that)
27. take another painting class
28. get comfortable in front of the camera
29. a job where i have extra money every month to save
30. ride the london eye
31. create again – paint, photography, music, etc.
32. drink a gallon of water everyday
33. meet howard & beth stern
34. renovate bathroom in current loft
35. decorate loft & be happy with it
36. visit japan again
37. wear only fancy underthings
38. write something for jane pratt
39. find a mentor (lena dunham, are you there?!)
40. have sex everyday for a year
41. try going gluten free for a month, er, maybe a week
42. give up all sugary bevs for good
43. make out with a stranger (again)
44. design/make something to sell
45. own a photo booth
46. take a long train trip
47. see louis ck live
48. quit picking my cuticles once and for all – it’s anxiety driven
49. see denis leary live
50. a job with benefits
51. learn to hula hoop and be good at it, i.e. keep the hoop up for longer than a few seconds
52. cruise to alaska
53. write something important
54. revisit spain
55. take a pilates class
56. have someone sing ‘sweet caroline’ to me (again), preferably timothy hutton, ala ‘beautiful girls’
57. go to mardi gras
58. play a song on the the guitar – help?
59. do 100 sit-ups with relative ease
60. take a good photo of the moon
61. learn to weld
62. ride a vespa
63. sell a painting
64. cross the golden gate bridge
65. go roller skating again
66. have a great wardrobe i love
67. drive the entire highway 1
68. make 1 million dollars
69. take a good passport photo
70. take the tram to roosevelt island
71. get back to morning pages for at least a month, ala “the artist’s way”
72. sing a song… on stage
73. receive a love letter
74. pay it forward – pay for someone to learn tm (transcendental meditation)
75. write a song
76. get lasik surgery
finally have sinus surgery – done!
78. figure out a way to have pain-free feet
79. own a large format photo printer
80. volunteer on a major holiday
81. write a soldier
82. pursue a crush
83. figure out how to manage my hair
84. have a place for everything and keep everything in its place
85. drive cross country again
86. go on a girl’s trip again
87. own a real bed
88. be car-free (i.e. live in a city with great public transportation)
89. walk across the brooklyn bridge
90. sit next to andy cohen on a flight
91. become a million miler (getting close)
92. learn not to cringe when i look in the mirror
93. have a birthday party, as an adult
94. build a modern house
95. skate on a frozen pond
96. see catherine wheel live (a girl can dream)
97. eat pasta in italy again
98. donate hair to locks of love or the like
99. say i love you more (and mean it)
100. live to see 1. – 99. happen
01.05.15 (although written on 12.31.14)
how did that happen?! i feel like with each passing year, the 12 months go by a little faster feeling like some kind of warp speed.
2014 was icky. it rivaled 2011, which was one of the most heartbreaking years i could imagine.
as terrified as i am to be in a new year, this particular year and the age it brings, i’m a little relieved to let 2014 rest in the past.
most of 2014 i’ve left off the blog – it’s just not something i want to share – but i’ll say this… as hard as it was, i’ve learned a lot and certainly grown from it.
it’s made me appreciate the small things. the happy moments. the little reminders that not everything is bad… and for that, i’m grateful. we only go around this life once so it’s time to make the most of it. as selfishly as it sounds, i’m going to focus on me and being happy.
most importantly, i plan to have a hell of a lot more fun. so bring it, 2015. but bring it gently, okay?
jenny lewis \\\ ‘just one of the guys’
been digging this song and now the video makes me laugh…