secrets

“you’re only as sick as your secrets.” — rick warren

you hear that quote a lot, whether it’s from aa or the dude above, and hearing it again recently really got me thinking. as i said in this post, i toy with the idea of revealing more.

but honestly, it scares the shit out of me.

so i ask you – is it better to keep your secrets, whether big or small, or lay it all out there for the world to judge?

i grew up a shy kid. i mean, painfully shy. always worrying what people thought and never speaking up about anything. that’s just what you did. you kept your thoughts and feelings to yourself. if someone asked you how you were doing, you always say “fine”. always.

the older i got, the more i wanted to say but never really had an outlet. i always kept things close to the vest, as they say. [ask any guys i've been involved with]

i guess a part of me was scared they wouldn’t like me if they saw the real me.

the me that didn’t always make the best decisions or the me that had opinions differing from theirs.

the more time that went on and the older i got, the more this became a habit.

but at some point you feel like you’re going to explode.

but how long can you hold onto your secrets before they, literally, make you sick?

i think the older i’ve gotten the more i just don’t care so much about pleasing people. i mean, i still want people to like me, who doesn’t? but i would say i’m not nearly as worried about it.

i do worry about the other people it might affect. i know at times it wouldn’t be hard to figure out who i might be referring to, even with names changed.

so where is the line as to how far you should go when speaking your truth?

there’s also the judgement and opinion of strangers. i’ve talked about it before. mean comments and emails can be gut wrenching so i can only imagine how it would feel to get one when you’re talking about something that’s so personal and so heartbreaking to you…

i admit, i hate feeling vulnerable. it weirds me out in ways i can’t even describe, that you or anyone could know something about me that’s painful and that you could possibly use it against me in some way.

when you’re open and exposed and raw like that and you don’t get the reaction that maybe you wanted or were looking for, it can be brutal. i’ve been there, even recently, and it’s extremely painful.

so, is it worth it?

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